Jimmy left this week for a 2 week TDY to Fairbanks, Alaska. I’ve been holding down the fort here at home with Layla and have been keeping busy, nesting, and spending time with friends. These past few weeks we have been on somewhat of a high with the good news about the babe’s growth increasing and being able to carry him full term. These last few days have been somewhat of a struggle, however. We have chosen to “wait it out” with our son to find out if he has Down Syndrome. This is probably obvious, but waiting it out pretty much means we denied the invasive amnio test for a 99% accuracy diagnosis on DS and will not be finding out if he has it until we get to meet him. I will say right now that waiting it out is a lot harder than I thought it would be. This past week I have gone into hysterical crying fits and found myself falling to my knees in prayer asking God for a healthy baby…without DS. Feelings of guilt then arise, because I should just be thankful I can carry him and that he will live, grow, and be here in less than two months. But I just need to be honest and raw here. I question every day if Jimmy and I have what it takes to raise a special needs baby. I worry that if he is born with DS, I’ll feel robbed and will mourn the loss of a “normal” baby, “normal” childhood, ect. After joining a support group with pregnant mommies who are in my exact position and waiting to meet their typically chromosomed or extra chromosomed baby, I see that I’m not alone in how I feel. With the high of the good news fading, I have been feeling detached from my son and haven’t been cherishing the third trimester like I’ve anticipated I would.
I love him. I love my son so much it hurts. I already know for a fact that my love for him will not change if he has DS. He will be fully accepted into our family with open arms and loved just the same. I’m just scared. There will be no fluffy ending to this post because I don’t feel positive at the moment and need for God to change my heart on that. Jimmy and I are very private people and it took a lot for me to just type this up, but I felt an overwhelming need to because we need prayers and if I let out these raw feelings, maybe it’ll help me see more clearly and begin the process of preparing for what could be and better yet, acceptance. Please keep the three of us in your prayers/thoughts as we count down these last few weeks of pregnancy and get ready for his arrival.
I applaud you if you’ve read this far!